Why Our Daughter Is Not On Social Media

In my last post, I touched upon a subject that is very personal and important to me and my family - the fact that Adam and I do not share identifying photos of our daughter on social media. I've never really felt the need to explain why (to the masses anyway - the people closest to us know our reasons and have been extremely supportive and respectful, for which we could not be more grateful). Honestly, the past eight months have been so full that it has never really crossed my mind to give everyone an explanation. However, as I start rediscovering all the little things that make me feel like myself, and how they fit into my new life as a mother (for I will always be a mom first before anything else for the rest of my life), I find myself wanting to express the things I care most deeply about through writing. So here we go.

Before I get too into the weeds with this post, I want to offer a disclaimer. I have many friends and family members who do share photos of their little ones, and I want you all to know from the bottom of my heart that this post is not in any way an indictment of your choices. I respect the hell out of all of you as parents and I recognize that there is no one right way to approach this subject. Plus I love baby pictures, so if you're comfortable sharing, keep them coming. 

Phew! Okay. Now that that's out of the way, let me tell you right off the bat what our decision does NOT mean:

A. We do not have anything against taking pictures of our daughter. Trust me, my phone is so full right now that I have to delete stuff every single day (Bye apps I don't use daily! Bye text messages!) so I can take more pictures.

B. We do not think we are celebrities. We know the paparazzi are not after us and our baby (although if they were I wouldn't blame them, she's that amazing).

C. We're not in a cult. 

What we ARE is fiercely protective of the most precious and important thing we will ever be entrusted with. 

Before I even got pregnant I knew for sure that I would not want to share hospital photos of any of my future children. I've always felt that would be an extremely sacred and personal time, and I wouldn't want to share it with anyone outside of my closest friends and family. I felt the same way about ultrasounds. I honestly felt a little bad every time we peeked at the baby ourselves at the doctor's. Poor thing was just trying to enjoy some alone time in her warm little bath before entering the bright, noisy, overwhelming world forever. 

Once the seed was planted, so to speak, I remember a conversation I had with Adam. I knew he shared my mindset about ultrasounds and hospital pictures, and I just thought I'd throw something out there. "What if we didn't share pictures of the baby on social media at all?" I asked him. His face immediately lit up, and he very enthusiastically expressed his support of this idea. I think he blurted out something along the lines of, "I don't want to!" It was as if he had been wanting to say the same thing but was worried that maybe I wouldn't be on the same page. Kind of like when we found out she was a girl and he said with a huge sigh of relief "Thank god." (after never giving me any indication of his hope for a daughter until that moment). The decision was easily made right then and there. Since then, we have discussed the finer points of our reasoning until we've turned blue. I'll spare you every last detail, but here are the three biggest reasons we made this decision and plan to stick to it for the foreseeable future:

The internet is a dark and scary place. I'm sure I don't need to drive that home too deeply. The thought of someone stealing my photos of my daughter (because no matter how conservative your settings are on social media, it doesn't take too advanced a hacker to get into your account and steal your photos), and sharing them in any manner of ways I would not be comfortable with chills me to my core. And pisses me off. A lot.

She can't tell us whether or not she wants her pictures shared with everyone. She's a baby. One day soon she'll be a toddler, and although she'll be able to talk, she won't have full-fledged opinions or beliefs or a sense of autonomy yet. She might grow up to be shy and reserved, and she might not want those photos out there. On the other hand, she might grow up to be a huge show-off and share multiple albums of just selfies. If she does that I will surely tell her I think it's excessive (and her dad just may lose his mind), but I want to give her that choice to make for herself. 

This time is special. The first year of Emilia's life is going by so quickly. It's a time we will never get back and we are just hanging on to soak up every precious second of her babyhood. Being hyper-conscious of this has made us turn a bit inwards and focus primarily on just the three of us. We've of course loved seeing our close friends and family getting to know our sweet girl, but that's where it ends. Call us selfish but we just don't feel like sharing her any more than we have to right now.

Although those are the primary reasons why we made this choice, there are a million other little reasons that we've found along the way to continue down this path. I personally love when she visits with someone she hasn't seen in a little while and they are overwhelmed with how much she's grown and developed. Of course as her mom I am very much attuned to how she's growing and changing, but it's fun to see the recognition of this in someone who hasn't been able to see her every day. Similarly, I love any chance to whip out my phone when she's not with me and show her off to my friends and co-workers, and see their reactions to my photos and videos in real time. It's the same concept that made me stop oversharing details about my life on social media. It's more fun for me to see people's reaction to the big things that are happening in my life in person.

As Emilia gets older,  I know it's going to get more difficult to keep pictures of her off the internet. She'll go to a playdate or a birthday party and another parent, innocently enough, will be taking pictures of all the kids with the intent of sharing them. When that day comes, Adam and I are going to have to get comfortable with vocalizing our concerns with other parents, and risk alienating or offending those who might not be as understanding as our friends and family have been so far, or who might just be sensitive. I mean, I totally get it. No one wants to hear "I'm not comfortable parenting my child the way you parent yours". I hope I'll be able to communicate to those who may be offended that there are probably things about the way I parent that they wouldn't be comfortable with either, and that's okay. If I've learned anything about being a parent so far, it's that you have to trust your gut. There are no perfect moms or dads, just people who love their kids more than anything and are doing their best to raise them right. I truly believe that can cover any number of parenting styles, and as long as your kids are loved and are physically and emotionally safe (and, you know, you're not feeding them a frosting-only diet), I don't think anyone has the right to tell you your parenting decisions are wrong.

Whew! Looks like I had more to say about this subject than I even realized. If you're still with me, I hope you enjoyed reading it, and that you understand our reasoning for keeping our daughter off social media a little better now. 

Peace, love, and baby snuggles,

Amanda

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall, Who Is the Mommiest Mommy Of Them All?

For as long as I can remember, I have shied away from competition. While that could sometimes be damaging, I suppose, I believe that it has served as a very effective defense mechanism for me for all these years. I am not someone who thrives on competition. Even when I am doing well, it stresses me out to compare myself to other people. This complex has become magnified times a million following the birth of our daughter.

One of the many things I did not anticipate about becoming a mother was the way in which you are constantly forced to compare yourself to other moms. Dads, you're great, but one nice benefit of the patriarchy for all you fine fellows is that you don't really have to worry about this. At all. If you're around and you contribute financially, you're pretty much the best dad ever. Don't get me wrong, my husband actually is the best dad ever, but he frequently gets praised by strangers just for having the baby with him in public on his days off. I on the other hand have withstood many a grilling session from strangers (mostly other women) on topics ranging from whether or not I'm breastfeeding (#nunyabusiness), to how she's sleeping, to how I should put a bow on her head so people can be sure she's a girl (yes, this really happened).

So this is obviously all kinds of wrong, but really, can you blame people? We are a product of our culture. Gender roles are very deeply entrenched, and I don't actually expect that to change overnight. It doesn't help that our media is saturated with perfect mommy blogs and celebrities showing off their tiny baby bumps in bikinis on Instagram and dishing about their perfect and totally pain-free (HA!) natural water births. If we go by what the media tells us, women are expected to have a joyous and glowing pregnancy, a calm and peaceful birth, and lose all of that totally disgusting baby weight as soon as possible once the baby is out (again - HA!).

With all of that being said, one thing I think people, especially us mothers, can do in our everyday lives to alleviate some of this crushing pressure is to cut each other some damn slack. Here are a few ways we can do that:

Don't give advice when it's not requested. The one exception to this rule is where safety is concerned. I think we're all willing to swallow our pride where the safety of our precious little ones is concerned. I'm talking about hard and fast safety rules, like proper car seat use, I'm not talking about your opinions. If you do feel the need to call someone out with a safety concern, use tact and contact them directly (i.e.: don't embarrass them by commenting on a facebook post for everyone to see).

Stop measuring parenting success by milestones. Babies are all on their own timelines. It does not matter if your baby sits up, speaks, crawls, or walks before or after another baby the same age. It does not mean they are smarter or that you are doing a better job than their parents or vice versa. There is no spot for the age at which they took their first steps on a college or job application. Just enjoy every stage, don't stress about what's next (*note to self - repeat, repeat, repeat*).

Stay out of people's personal business. I won't ask you what you ate today and then proceed to pass judgment on your diet, so please don't ask me if my baby is breastfed. It. Is. Not. Your. Business. I'm sure some of you are laughing right now because I have been very open about how I do breastfeed, but I'm talking about strangers. Not really down to have that conversation in the checkout line at Marshalls, thanks.

Respect boundaries. We all have different reasons for parenting the way we do. As an example, Adam and I do not post pictures of our daughter's face on social media. I know people think it's weird and someday soon I'll write a blog post just on this topic to explain it a little better (not that I think I owe anyone an explanation, it's just something I care about). Just be cool about other people's decisions and realize that everyone has their own reasons for doing things their way, especially when it comes to parenting. I don't tell people they shouldn't post pictures of their kids and I expect the same amount of respect about my choice.

Moms - I am so proud to be a part of your tribe. I know I'm new here, and I still have SO much to learn, but as the parent of a young baby I think my perspective is pretty relevant on this topic. Let's all give each other a break - we are certainly not guaranteed one from anyone else.