Feel

In one of my favorite scenes in Company, the show in which I most recently performed, Jenny, one of the wives, gets high for the first time with Robert and her husband, David. She repeatedly wonders aloud if she is feeling what she is supposed to feel, or if she should be feeling something else. Robert assures her that she doesn't have to feel anything. I particularly loved this scene because all three actors did a fantastic job of demonstrating how very differently the same thing can affect 3 different people.

I didn't realize it until I was thinking about it today, but this very concept beautifully sums up what I am taking away from the amazing experience of performing in this show. I mentioned in a facebook status recently that I felt I had grown as a person because of the show, but I don't think I really knew why until today. Funny how sometimes you just need a little time away from something that's meant so much to you to know exactly what it meant to you.

The thing is, I have always been hung up on the way I feel about things. I wonder if my feelings are wrong, if I'm feeling things too intensely, or not intensely enough. I worry that my feelings are different from those around me, or what people around me would feel if they really knew how I felt. It sounds tiring, and believe me, it is. It's at the root of pretty much every problem I've ever had relating to people. I'm definitely an introvert by nature, but this neurosis about feelings is the thing that kept me almost mute around new people all throughout my childhood and much of my adulthood. I've never wanted to be the one to take the first step in creating a new friendship for fear of making someone else uncomfortable, or experiencing rejection. I'd even venture to say I have some pretty close friends and family members who aren't aware of exactly how much they mean to me because I'm not good at vocalizing it.

Doing theatre again has been a very therapeutic process for me for many reasons. Obviously, getting the creative juices flowing again has been very important, and I've felt with every show that I've opened up a little more, and become a more honest performer. However, one thing that still had not happened before I got to this show was not only opening up to people, but vocalizing to them exactly why I thought they were great, why I valued them, and not leaving important things unsaid before we all go back to our lives and inevitably don't get to see as much of each other as we might like. In past shows, I have often felt the need to write cards out to my cast mates when the show is over. Inside the cards were words I couldn't bring myself to say out loud. I don't think this is a bad thing to do, and I know a lot of people appreciated it, but this time around, I didn't feel the need to write out cards. From the beginning, all throughout the rehearsal process, and through the final performance, the directors fostered an atmosphere of encouragement and respect, and the cast was more than willing to comply. I will never forget talking to one of the other actresses and speaking in high praise of yet another actress who wasn't present. She said to me, "You should say that to her. She would love it. I've always believed that if you have a nice thought about someone, you should tell them." That was definitely a light bulb moment for me.

I certainly don't mean to diminish any of my previous theatre experiences or friendships, or to imply that there hasn't been a culture of love and support in shows I have been a part of before, because that would be untrue. Indeed, there have been a few people in particular I have bonded with in a very meaningful way, and I've certainly shared pieces of my heart with them. However, in a more general sense, I do think that a lot of people are a lot like me, and don't vocalize everything we like and appreciate about each other. What are we afraid of? For me, I think it's that moment after you say the nice thing, a moment in which I am always tempted to walk away. What if that person thinks I'm being too intense? Am I freaking them out? Will they feel pressured to say something nice to me in return even though they would rather not? Guess what? Not only does that not really happen, it wouldn't matter if it did. You should still be honest.

Something I've been thinking about a lot lately as I become more confident in my adulthood is that I need to stop putting pressure on myself to be anything other than exactly who I am. I'm not saying I'm always successful in that, but at least now I catch myself when I think, "Well, so-and-so who I admire wouldn't do this" or "So-and-so other person will think I'm a tool if I do this. " I catch myself, and I remind myself that it doesn't matter what so-and-so would think, it only matters what I think, and how I'm going to feel about my choices afterward. I don't have to be anything like so-and-so, or behave in a way they would approve of. Likewise, I don't have to feel what anyone else feels, and I don't have to worry that any of my feelings are wrong, too intense, not intense enough, or what have you. They are feelings; it's impossible for them to be wrong because they are by nature the most honest things about me.

So even though I already told all of these people how wonderful I think they are, I don't mind repeating it. It might be old news, but I feel like I have to thank you all one more time, not just for the wonderful experience of performing in this show, but for helping me crack open a door that's been stuck a long, long time. Now it's up to me to keep pushing until it's all the way open.

The F Word

I remember part of a conversation I had with my college roommates at the end of my senior year. It makes me cringe when I remember it, but I feel it's relevant to what I want to write about, so much to my chagrin, I'm going to share it. We were in Rochester, NY for the annual lilac festival in May of 2009, and we stopped at a graveyard to visit Susan B. Anthony's grave. As one would guess in such a situation, the topic of women's equality came up as we walked back to the car, and I recall declaring, "I'm all for women's equality, but I don't consider myself a feminist." When prompted (with good reason) to explain myself, I said, "I guess I just don't like the notion that women deserve special treatment, or are somehow better than men." Boy did I have it twisted. One of my friends told me so, and though I doubt I admitted it at the time, my way of thinking on that subject started changing right then and there. You see, she said, that's not what feminism is. Feminism and women's equality are inextricably linked, you cannot have one without the other. Just because I, a 22-year-old white middle-class female, had not (at least not in a way I was able to recognize yet) encountered rampant sexism did not mean it did not exist.

The truth is that it is EVERYWHERE. It's in the way women are talked about, talked to, marketed towards, treated on social media, and perceived in general. Not just by men, by women too. Some archaic ideas about women are so ingrained in our society's psyche that they are just accepted as truth at this point. I'm thinking in particular of notions about women being overly emotional, shrewish, and unpredictable. The idea that we should be feared and avoided when we "get going". Yeah, sometimes I get in a bad mood, but so does everyone else I know, men included. It's become so ingrained that at this point, the moment a woman scowls, frowns, or maybe even commits the crime of having resting bitch face (I suffer from this chronic condition and can attest to the annoyances it causes), it's "Uh oh, better get out of her way before she holds up the nearest 7-11 for all the chocolate in their store." You see it over and over again on sitcoms, where the wife merrily and repeatedly plays the dutiful, efficient shrew who can banish her sloppy, breadwinning husband to the couch with no more than a peppery side glance. Real talk - I don't know anyone who has banished their significant other to the couch for leaving the toilet seat up, forgetting to switch the laundry, or maybe even just being in her line of vision when she's on the rag. It's plain ridiculous.

An unfortunately common misconception about feminism (and something that I'll admit was holding back 22-year-old me from branding myself as a feminist) is that it's about women wanting to be like men. I can tell you that I have absolutely zero desire to be like a man. I love being a woman. I believe that there is a whole lot that is totally awesome and worth celebrating about womanhood, and the differences between men and women are abundant. It's undeniable. The reason you should treat women with respect is not because they are just like men (that in itself would be extremely sexist), it's because we are human beings with every bit as much worth.

Probably the most obvious example of why sexism is still a major problem in our society is the obsession with physical appearance. Even in the most basic sense, there are very different rules for men and women in this regard. Women's clothing is much more intricate and involved, and the emphasis on looking vibrant and youthful is something that is uniquely pressed on women. This means makeup, facial care, anti-aging products, expensive haircuts and color jobs, the list is endless. I'm not saying that men don't take pride in their appearance, or even that women should take less pride and care (let's face it, I love makeup and dressing up and that's never going to change), but the obsession with women's grooming efforts and fashion choices is a serious problem. I recently saw a story about a local news anchor who wore the same dark blue suit every single night for a year, while his female co-anchor wore a different outfit every night. Guess what? In a review of the comments on the the station's various social media outlets, not one person commented on the male anchor's clothing, even though this dude was wearing the same thing EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. It's because no one was looking at his clothes. They were listening to what he was reporting, as it should be with a news anchor. His co-anchor was not given the same professional courtesy, her various outfits and hairstyles drew plenty of comments and criticism. These standards permeate our culture, particularly the entertainment business, with female celebrities being constantly scrutinized for their fashion choices, haircuts, etc., even on trips to the damn gym. Hey, I know I'm part of the machine, I'm guilty of picking up US Weekly now and again in the checkout line, but maybe, just maybe, we should pay more attention to the work women are doing and not what they wore to do it.

The last thing I'll mention is that I think feminism means something a little different to everyone, so you can't hold yourself up to, say, an activist for women's rights and think that you by association cannot be a feminist because you are not doing as much as she is doing. You don't even need to have all of the same beliefs. For example, it would be ridiculous for me to look at women who do not change their last names when they get married, and think that because I did take my husband's name that I am somehow "less feminist" than they are. My reasons for changing my name had absolutely nothing to do my perceived equality with my husband. It was a personal choice, and one that I believe every married woman has a right to make for herself. I'm also thinking of the controversy over The Big Bang Theory's Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting's comments in Redbook on why she does not consider herself a feminist (which may or may not have been the inspiration for this post). She has every right to her beliefs, but I'm not sure she is approaching feminism in a healthy way. Whether she likes it or not, she is a role model for young girls, and I think it's damaging to say that it's "not really something she thinks about" because she's "never really faced it". First of all, I seriously doubt that's true. Even though she is in a place of privilege right now, she's a young, pretty, female actor, and I'm sure she faced a whole lot of misogyny on her road to success. I'd even venture to guess that she still encounters it from time to time. Second, even if by some miracle she has truly never faced something that is so ingrained in our culture, I doubt she is completely ignorant that other women have faced it, and continue to face it on a daily basis. To say that you don't care about something or don't believe in it just because it doesn't affect you personally is irresponsible.

Like any struggle for equality, this problem can't be fixed overnight. I think the best place to start is respect. Respect for your mothers, sisters, wives, girlfriends, co-workers, friends and even strangers. Respect for the integrity of the work they do, the things they accomplish, the things they struggle with, and the things that are meaningful to them. Sounds pretty simple, right? It is.