For as long as I can remember, I have shied away from competition. While that could sometimes be damaging, I suppose, I believe that it has served as a very effective defense mechanism for me for all these years. I am not someone who thrives on competition. Even when I am doing well, it stresses me out to compare myself to other people. This complex has become magnified times a million following the birth of our daughter.
One of the many things I did not anticipate about becoming a mother was the way in which you are constantly forced to compare yourself to other moms. Dads, you're great, but one nice benefit of the patriarchy for all you fine fellows is that you don't really have to worry about this. At all. If you're around and you contribute financially, you're pretty much the best dad ever. Don't get me wrong, my husband actually is the best dad ever, but he frequently gets praised by strangers just for having the baby with him in public on his days off. I on the other hand have withstood many a grilling session from strangers (mostly other women) on topics ranging from whether or not I'm breastfeeding (#nunyabusiness), to how she's sleeping, to how I should put a bow on her head so people can be sure she's a girl (yes, this really happened).
So this is obviously all kinds of wrong, but really, can you blame people? We are a product of our culture. Gender roles are very deeply entrenched, and I don't actually expect that to change overnight. It doesn't help that our media is saturated with perfect mommy blogs and celebrities showing off their tiny baby bumps in bikinis on Instagram and dishing about their perfect and totally pain-free (HA!) natural water births. If we go by what the media tells us, women are expected to have a joyous and glowing pregnancy, a calm and peaceful birth, and lose all of that totally disgusting baby weight as soon as possible once the baby is out (again - HA!).
With all of that being said, one thing I think people, especially us mothers, can do in our everyday lives to alleviate some of this crushing pressure is to cut each other some damn slack. Here are a few ways we can do that:
Don't give advice when it's not requested. The one exception to this rule is where safety is concerned. I think we're all willing to swallow our pride where the safety of our precious little ones is concerned. I'm talking about hard and fast safety rules, like proper car seat use, I'm not talking about your opinions. If you do feel the need to call someone out with a safety concern, use tact and contact them directly (i.e.: don't embarrass them by commenting on a facebook post for everyone to see).
Stop measuring parenting success by milestones. Babies are all on their own timelines. It does not matter if your baby sits up, speaks, crawls, or walks before or after another baby the same age. It does not mean they are smarter or that you are doing a better job than their parents or vice versa. There is no spot for the age at which they took their first steps on a college or job application. Just enjoy every stage, don't stress about what's next (*note to self - repeat, repeat, repeat*).
Stay out of people's personal business. I won't ask you what you ate today and then proceed to pass judgment on your diet, so please don't ask me if my baby is breastfed. It. Is. Not. Your. Business. I'm sure some of you are laughing right now because I have been very open about how I do breastfeed, but I'm talking about strangers. Not really down to have that conversation in the checkout line at Marshalls, thanks.
Respect boundaries. We all have different reasons for parenting the way we do. As an example, Adam and I do not post pictures of our daughter's face on social media. I know people think it's weird and someday soon I'll write a blog post just on this topic to explain it a little better (not that I think I owe anyone an explanation, it's just something I care about). Just be cool about other people's decisions and realize that everyone has their own reasons for doing things their way, especially when it comes to parenting. I don't tell people they shouldn't post pictures of their kids and I expect the same amount of respect about my choice.
Moms - I am so proud to be a part of your tribe. I know I'm new here, and I still have SO much to learn, but as the parent of a young baby I think my perspective is pretty relevant on this topic. Let's all give each other a break - we are certainly not guaranteed one from anyone else.
