The F Word

I remember part of a conversation I had with my college roommates at the end of my senior year. It makes me cringe when I remember it, but I feel it's relevant to what I want to write about, so much to my chagrin, I'm going to share it. We were in Rochester, NY for the annual lilac festival in May of 2009, and we stopped at a graveyard to visit Susan B. Anthony's grave. As one would guess in such a situation, the topic of women's equality came up as we walked back to the car, and I recall declaring, "I'm all for women's equality, but I don't consider myself a feminist." When prompted (with good reason) to explain myself, I said, "I guess I just don't like the notion that women deserve special treatment, or are somehow better than men." Boy did I have it twisted. One of my friends told me so, and though I doubt I admitted it at the time, my way of thinking on that subject started changing right then and there. You see, she said, that's not what feminism is. Feminism and women's equality are inextricably linked, you cannot have one without the other. Just because I, a 22-year-old white middle-class female, had not (at least not in a way I was able to recognize yet) encountered rampant sexism did not mean it did not exist.

The truth is that it is EVERYWHERE. It's in the way women are talked about, talked to, marketed towards, treated on social media, and perceived in general. Not just by men, by women too. Some archaic ideas about women are so ingrained in our society's psyche that they are just accepted as truth at this point. I'm thinking in particular of notions about women being overly emotional, shrewish, and unpredictable. The idea that we should be feared and avoided when we "get going". Yeah, sometimes I get in a bad mood, but so does everyone else I know, men included. It's become so ingrained that at this point, the moment a woman scowls, frowns, or maybe even commits the crime of having resting bitch face (I suffer from this chronic condition and can attest to the annoyances it causes), it's "Uh oh, better get out of her way before she holds up the nearest 7-11 for all the chocolate in their store." You see it over and over again on sitcoms, where the wife merrily and repeatedly plays the dutiful, efficient shrew who can banish her sloppy, breadwinning husband to the couch with no more than a peppery side glance. Real talk - I don't know anyone who has banished their significant other to the couch for leaving the toilet seat up, forgetting to switch the laundry, or maybe even just being in her line of vision when she's on the rag. It's plain ridiculous.

An unfortunately common misconception about feminism (and something that I'll admit was holding back 22-year-old me from branding myself as a feminist) is that it's about women wanting to be like men. I can tell you that I have absolutely zero desire to be like a man. I love being a woman. I believe that there is a whole lot that is totally awesome and worth celebrating about womanhood, and the differences between men and women are abundant. It's undeniable. The reason you should treat women with respect is not because they are just like men (that in itself would be extremely sexist), it's because we are human beings with every bit as much worth.

Probably the most obvious example of why sexism is still a major problem in our society is the obsession with physical appearance. Even in the most basic sense, there are very different rules for men and women in this regard. Women's clothing is much more intricate and involved, and the emphasis on looking vibrant and youthful is something that is uniquely pressed on women. This means makeup, facial care, anti-aging products, expensive haircuts and color jobs, the list is endless. I'm not saying that men don't take pride in their appearance, or even that women should take less pride and care (let's face it, I love makeup and dressing up and that's never going to change), but the obsession with women's grooming efforts and fashion choices is a serious problem. I recently saw a story about a local news anchor who wore the same dark blue suit every single night for a year, while his female co-anchor wore a different outfit every night. Guess what? In a review of the comments on the the station's various social media outlets, not one person commented on the male anchor's clothing, even though this dude was wearing the same thing EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. It's because no one was looking at his clothes. They were listening to what he was reporting, as it should be with a news anchor. His co-anchor was not given the same professional courtesy, her various outfits and hairstyles drew plenty of comments and criticism. These standards permeate our culture, particularly the entertainment business, with female celebrities being constantly scrutinized for their fashion choices, haircuts, etc., even on trips to the damn gym. Hey, I know I'm part of the machine, I'm guilty of picking up US Weekly now and again in the checkout line, but maybe, just maybe, we should pay more attention to the work women are doing and not what they wore to do it.

The last thing I'll mention is that I think feminism means something a little different to everyone, so you can't hold yourself up to, say, an activist for women's rights and think that you by association cannot be a feminist because you are not doing as much as she is doing. You don't even need to have all of the same beliefs. For example, it would be ridiculous for me to look at women who do not change their last names when they get married, and think that because I did take my husband's name that I am somehow "less feminist" than they are. My reasons for changing my name had absolutely nothing to do my perceived equality with my husband. It was a personal choice, and one that I believe every married woman has a right to make for herself. I'm also thinking of the controversy over The Big Bang Theory's Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting's comments in Redbook on why she does not consider herself a feminist (which may or may not have been the inspiration for this post). She has every right to her beliefs, but I'm not sure she is approaching feminism in a healthy way. Whether she likes it or not, she is a role model for young girls, and I think it's damaging to say that it's "not really something she thinks about" because she's "never really faced it". First of all, I seriously doubt that's true. Even though she is in a place of privilege right now, she's a young, pretty, female actor, and I'm sure she faced a whole lot of misogyny on her road to success. I'd even venture to guess that she still encounters it from time to time. Second, even if by some miracle she has truly never faced something that is so ingrained in our culture, I doubt she is completely ignorant that other women have faced it, and continue to face it on a daily basis. To say that you don't care about something or don't believe in it just because it doesn't affect you personally is irresponsible.

Like any struggle for equality, this problem can't be fixed overnight. I think the best place to start is respect. Respect for your mothers, sisters, wives, girlfriends, co-workers, friends and even strangers. Respect for the integrity of the work they do, the things they accomplish, the things they struggle with, and the things that are meaningful to them. Sounds pretty simple, right? It is.