Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Feel

In one of my favorite scenes in Company, the show in which I most recently performed, Jenny, one of the wives, gets high for the first time with Robert and her husband, David. She repeatedly wonders aloud if she is feeling what she is supposed to feel, or if she should be feeling something else. Robert assures her that she doesn't have to feel anything. I particularly loved this scene because all three actors did a fantastic job of demonstrating how very differently the same thing can affect 3 different people.

I didn't realize it until I was thinking about it today, but this very concept beautifully sums up what I am taking away from the amazing experience of performing in this show. I mentioned in a facebook status recently that I felt I had grown as a person because of the show, but I don't think I really knew why until today. Funny how sometimes you just need a little time away from something that's meant so much to you to know exactly what it meant to you.



The thing is, I have always been hung up on the way I feel about things. I wonder if my feelings are wrong, if I'm feeling things too intensely, or not intensely enough. I worry that my feelings are different from those around me, or what people around me would feel if they really knew how I felt. It sounds tiring, and believe me, it is. It's at the root of pretty much every problem I've ever had relating to people. I'm definitely an introvert by nature, but this neurosis about feelings is the thing that kept me almost mute around new people all throughout my childhood and much of my adulthood. I've never wanted to be the one to take the first step in creating a new friendship for fear of making someone else uncomfortable, or experiencing rejection. I'd even venture to say I have some pretty close friends and family members who aren't aware of exactly how much they mean to me because I'm not good at vocalizing it.

Doing theatre again has been a very therapeutic process for me for many reasons. Obviously, getting the creative juices flowing again has been very important, and I've felt with every show that I've opened up a little more, and become a more honest performer. However, one thing that still had not happened before I got to this show was not only opening up to people, but vocalizing to them exactly why I thought they were great, why I valued them, and not leaving important things unsaid before we all go back to our lives and inevitably don't get to see as much of each other as we might like. In past shows, I have often felt the need to write cards out to my cast mates when the show is over. Inside the cards were words I couldn't bring myself to say out loud. I don't think this is a bad thing to do, and I know a lot of people appreciated it, but this time around, I didn't feel the need to write out cards. From the beginning, all throughout the rehearsal process, and through the final performance, the directors fostered an atmosphere of encouragement and respect, and the cast was more than willing to comply. I will never forget talking to one of the other actresses and speaking in high praise of yet another actress who wasn't present. She said to me, "You should say that to her. She would love it. I've always believed that if you have a nice thought about someone, you should tell them." That was definitely a light bulb moment for me.



I certainly don't mean to diminish any of my previous theatre experiences or friendships, or to imply that there hasn't been a culture of love and support in shows I have been a part of before, because that would be untrue. Indeed, there have been a few people in particular I have bonded with in a very meaningful way, and I've certainly shared pieces of my heart with them. However, in a more general sense, I do think that a lot of people are a lot like me, and don't vocalize everything we like and appreciate about each other. What are we afraid of? For me, I think it's that moment after you say the nice thing, a moment in which I am always tempted to walk away. What if that person thinks I'm being too intense? Am I freaking them out? Will they feel pressured to say something nice to me in return even though they would rather not? Guess what? Not only does that not really happen, it wouldn't matter if it did. You should still be honest.

Something I've been thinking about a lot lately as I become more confident in my adulthood is that I need to stop putting pressure on myself to be anything other than exactly who I am. I'm not saying I'm always successful in that, but at least now I catch myself when I think, "Well, so-and-so who I admire wouldn't do this" or "So-and-so other person will think I'm a tool if I do this. " I catch myself, and I remind myself that it doesn't matter what so-and-so would think, it only matters what I think, and how I'm going to feel about my choices afterward. I don't have to be anything like so-and-so, or behave in a way they would approve of. Likewise, I don't have to feel what anyone else feels, and I don't have to worry that any of my feelings are wrong, too intense, not intense enough, or what have you. They are feelings; it's impossible for them to be wrong because they are by nature the most honest things about me.

So even though I already told all of these people how wonderful I think they are, I don't mind repeating it. It might be old news, but I feel like I have to thank you all one more time, not just for the wonderful experience of performing in this show, but for helping me crack open a door that's been stuck a long, long time. Now it's up to me to keep pushing until it's all the way open.



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